Life

It's been so long since i've posted anything, I'm averaging once a month if that!! Life has been just crusing along. I was saying the other day somedays I feel like the sun is shining so brightly nothing can get me down, and others the rain keeps pouring and I can't see a thing. I don't really even have anything remotely interesting to say. Little M is at the most adorable age, but also by far the most challenging, man I love and adore that child, but she knows how to push my buttons as well, bless her, guess she's doing her job as a 3 year old :)


3 about to turn 4, she'll turn 4 in 14 days and I really can't believe where the time has gone. We're currently trying to decide what to do about school for her next year, she's born in June so she can start next year in January (our school year is Jan-Dec here) or she can wait until the year after. We've got advice coming from all over, all solicited I must say, but I still don't know what to do!?!?!?!


AF has just showed up again today, on CD22, I already had an appt with my OB/GYN for tomorrow and I am really glad as i've diagnosed myself with Luteal Phase Defect via Dr Google. I have suspected this in my past, but previous Dr did nothing to test it, so I'm going to bring it up again tomorrow.


Here's a pictoral glimpse into our life over the last month :) which involved: a couple of birthday parties, our usual park outings, face painting, lots of cooking/baking, an AMAZING mother's day (inc breakfast in bed), skyping with SIL, a wonderful early birthday weekend for little M with my parents who flew down from Brisbane, lotsa playdates, a zoo in Mum & Dad's bed, lotsa fun and a couple a bad hair days!!! In no particular order ;)

Good will come out of it!!

Of that much i'm sure...
Well it's been some time since i've posted, not that I have ever really had a rhythm going with blogging, but what little I did, has been lost over the past couple of months. Then when you think about writing there seems to be a multitude of "stuff" that needs to be written, and you don't know where to start, well, that's what happens with me anyways :)

So my latest news is that I underwent a sleep study about a month back (I have a history of night terrors, and I was feeling so exhausted all day everyday, my Dr wanted to check if I wasn't getting enough REM sleep at night).

So on Tuesday I go to the specialist for the results, really not expecting any kind of result. I had little M with me, and we had to wait for over an hour and finally one of the registrars takes me in and goes through my history before giving me the results from the sleep clinic. BTW, the sleep clinic consisted of 24 hrs in the hospital, monitored by wires all over head, chest and legs. During the day the conducted a MSLT - multiple sleep latency test - basically every 2 hours they put you in bed in a blackened room that is condusive to sleep to see if in fact you'd go to sleep, no problem there for me, I was out everytime!

I digress, the results showed that I have a form of narcolepsy not as severe that I'll nod off in the middle of a conversation, but enough to want to put me on dexamphetamine sulphate tablets every day for the rest of my life. I was blown away, and the thought of going on medication forever really threw me. Now obviously I have nothing against modern medicine, hello, just take a look at my sidebar how much i've injected into me over the past 6 years, however an amphetamine, forever.... FREAKED ME OUT!!

Now I may be overreacting, and if you think I am, please tell me so, but the only alternate they offered me, was don't be treated, and then you won't be able to drive... WHAT?!?!

As I wasn't expecting this, even though i'd prayed for a diagnosis - go figure, I wasn't able to ask all the questions I needed to. I asked the rudimentary ones, ie. what does this mean for TTC, to which the response was as expected... not a good idea, and what are the alternates, none apparently. So we'll be going back in 3 weeks, with DH in tow, to ask all the ones we've thought of since then + we're going for a second opinion with a neurologist, however we can't get an appointment until July 9th... does that happen in US medical system, really common, and annoying here in Australia to have those long waiting periods. However I really should not complain, Praise God it's not a life-threatening disorder, so forgive me. I've also got questions re if the test could have been skewed if I was suffering depression/stress...

So, on that front this week has been a little topsy turvy, but very humbling to me, to TRUST. Everyweek has been getting a little easier mourning the loss of our little one, we're humbled daily by God, and we know good will come out of it, just riding this season we're in. Our little M brings us SO much joy, and DH and I have been brought closer through all this, the counselling has been great helping us with our communication, so PTL.

45 days til my angel little M turns 4, I CANNOT believe it!!
72 days until this!! CAN'T wait!!

God Bless

Can you say... RELAXING

Well, that was how i'd describe our weekend. I mentioned a couple of weeks ago, some good friends from church were really wanting to give us something helpful after our news. They offered a weekend away up at the blue mountains (about an hour out of Sydney). We snapped up the very kind and generous offer and away we went on Friday night.

We packed the car after work/preschool on Friday, and little M and I headed off to collect DH from work. I'd love to say we ate a healthy dinner on the way, however the famous golden arches beckoned us, and with a happy meal and some burgers under our belt (literally I'm feeling at the moment!) we arrived at our destination about 8pm.

We were so excited when we realised our expectations had really been exceeded. This house was luxury, and it catered for EVERY need you can imagine. We put little M to bed with the promise of exploring the garage FULL of toys in the morning, and turned on the fireplace, popped a bottle of champagne (my SIL just eloped to the Seychelles and sent us a hamper with a bottle of bubbly and instructions to open and toast them, who am I to argue?) and lay on the couches just chatting and hanging out.

The next morning we got up and had a leisurely breakfast, then got ready for a hike in the national park down the end of the street. We had a fantastic time, home for lunch in the garden, chillaxed some more then into the local pub for a meal. Since Saturday night was "earth hour" the world over, we grabbed some icecreams, headed back to our place, set up loads of candles and flashlights and played family Jenga. Little M just LOVES hanging out as a family, and she was up until about 10pm when she conked out on the couch during prayer time.

It was so great to wake up Sunday morning and not be rushing around packing up. We didn't have to check out Sunday, we were hoping to stay the night, but due to DH's work, we left there about 5pm, and got home around 645pm in time for bed time for one exhausted little M. It was really such a HUGE blessing for us to have that weekend just to hang out as a family and really really relax. We've been praising God and the family who gave us that all weekend.

Now we have another exciting adventure on our horizon, we're going here in July and I really can't wait, DH came home tonight and told us he'd booked it, 7 nights, yahoo!! For the last few years we've really put off even the thoughts of travelling, as we're generally normally mid cycle, pregnant, or hoping to be pregnant. We still are uncertain what our next step from here will be, but by God's grace we know it's in His control and plan.

I'll finish up with some pictures of our weekend :)

God bless

Some cuddles for Mama; Photo by little M!!; Our little family

Little M "hiding"; Catching a ride with Daddy; GAC - great Australian crack ;)

Admiring the view; Here we are again; Wow

The house & friendly occupants ;); "Marana"; The great backyard

Earth hour Jenga!; A LONG DAY!!

Pray

If you feel led to do so, please pray for Baby Stellan who is in hospital with SVT (very fast heart rate). If you are unfamiliar with McMama's story, Stellan is living proof of a mcmiracle from God, please go over and uphold them all in prayer.

"Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit." Jeremiah 17:7-8

I pray that we all plant ourselves deeply in His word and His love for us, that whatever happens our confidence is in Him.

Running ahead...

I have been taking great comfort in the following passage of the bible from Ecclesiastes 3:1-11:

"There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
What does the worker gain from his toil?
I have seen the burden God has laid on men.
He has made everything beautiful in its time.
He has also set eternity in the hearts of men;
Yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end."

I am reading a book at the moment called "My Seventh Monsoon" by Naomi Reed. I think it's amazing how God works and how He gives you what you need at the right times. Someone happened to lend me this book a couple of weeks ago, and wow, it's great. I just started reading it this week and am so encouraged.
Anyway, I digress, her entire book is written in "seasons" of her life. At the end of the 2nd chapter, "a season of inadequacy", she talks about running ahead, jumping ahead to the next season well before you actually get there, usually to the detriment of 'now'. This is definitely something I struggle with, like a lot of us i'm sure. I quote:
"My mind goes running ahead, sometimes months ahead of my body. The problem is, of course, the the body that has been left behind fails to use all the wonderful opportunities that still surround it. I am so busy in the next season that I can hardly even see the details of where I still am."

So, here I am in this season of grief/confusion/change, and I am trying to be still whilst in it, to make sure all the wonderful blessings and opportunites God gives me do not go unnoticed. Not easy for me, but i'm trying :)

Do any of you run ahead in the seasons??

A couple of whiles...

Well, we had our first session last night at the couselor, and I must say we both really enjoyed it. That may be surprising, but I really did, and dh said he did as well. There were a couple of points she brought up that were really helpful:

• Grief is not competitive, sometimes, particularly with gender differences, it can seem that way, but if we keep in the back of our minds that we all deal with it differently and it's a linear process, that helps.
• "Jesus wept" John 11:35 may be the shortest vs in the bible, but how comforting is that, knowing that Jesus wept when he went to the grave of Lazarus, even though he knew he was going to raise him to life. Think that really helped DH as well. DH is a very sensitive man, and will even cry at AT&T commercials, but he has really been trying to be strong for his family, admirable, but not really what he should be doing. The couselor was saying to us that they learn in their training, the person at the funeral not crying, is suffering grief the most, so maybe this is just so painful for DH that he hasn't been able to cry. Well, he started crying right there in the office last night!
• Indifference - I guess it is difficult for people who've never suffered miscarriage to understand and the counselor was saying sometimes people can be indifferent, not understand and think "just get over it". PTL, I haven't encountered that thus far, but it is helpful to remember that in my faith, this was a child created by Christ, for Christ, and we'll meet in heaven again one day.
• Little M - she's been suffering from anxiety since all this happened, refuses to go to the DR, and last week when we just had to go, she insisted that it be a female dr (sidebar: all the dr's we've been to for IF & the OBGYN were male, and she came to 2 of the 4 scans where we saw the baby jumping around). So the counselor (what am I going to call her??) said to bring her in next session and she'll do a little work with her, which was so helpful.

Anyway, we're so thankful to God that we felt safe with her and able to share our story. I don't believe we're quite ready to talk about what we're going to do next TTC wise, but that obsessive feeling creeps in all the time, not that I want a "replacement" baby, but that desire hasn't died with that baby either, if that makes sense.

Complete change of topic - I love when little kids say things the wrong way that are just too cute to correct. Little M has combined "a couple of minutes" and "a little while" to "a couple of whiles" and it just cracks me up. DH tried to correct her and I said "DON'T"!! I love it, and she uses it in the funniest ways. We were talking about the baby going to heaven and she was saying that we're going to heaven too, and I was telling her, not just yet darlin. She then proceeded to tell me that we'll go in "a couple of whiles"... yes we will darlin, yes we will.

Ain't it funny...

• Ain't it funny... how we feel the need for someone to justify our feelings?? It has no doubt been a pretty trying time in our lives, but I was having a chat with a good friend last week and she told me to remember that it's still early days, and that i'm not being selfish when I feel the need for time out. I'm sure i'd be telling anyone else the same thing, but when you're in something yourself you can just be so hard on yourself.
• Ain't it funny... how when something huge happens in your circumstances, particularly not that great, that it is strangers or people you don't know so well that you find comfort in? I have a couple of really good friends that i've still not been able to talk with, why is that?
• Ain't it funny... that we forget so easily that our saviour has been there before us, He suffered more than we can ever imagine, yet we look for people in similiar circumstances to help. Perhaps God sends them our way, but it is so helpful to remember that "[Jesus] has been tempted in all things we are.." Hebrews 4:15. Well intentioned friends sometimes say 'i know how you feel', but deep down we think 'no, you really don't'. But Jesus does! He was tempted and suffered in all things as we are, so He can interpret and present our feelings to God. And He does. Praise The Lord for that!!
• Ain't it funny... how life just goes on, I'm amazed at the resiliance of human's and the strength God gives us all, even if you don't believe.
• and finally, I actually thought of something I really wanted to post about the other night, but didn't so I don't have a final post. DH and I are off to counselling tonight, strangely I'm really looking forward to it.

Blessings :)